An oldie and a goodie …

U Mean I’m not?

Yo man, check this
I was out on the Ave. man
This nigga was lookin’ at me wrong
So I pulled out my motherfuckin’ nine
And I SMOKED HIS ASS

Woke up, didn’t choke up
Saw my AK, it was broke up
Put it together like a jigsaw
Got my nine, and my Rambo knife off the floor

Went to the bathroom, and beat the rush
Yo who the fuck used my toothbrush?
Went to my sister’s room, yo bitch, wake up
You stupid ass, dirty ass, nasty ass slut

Shot her in the leg, shot her in the thigh
Kick her in the pussy and punched her in the eye
Slapped her in the head, stepped on her corns
don’t fuck with mine bitch, word is bond

Went downstairs to eat wit my folks …

Ma, you broke my fuckin’ egg yoke!
Punch her in the chest, cut on her cheek
Then I did a sweep, knocked the bitch off her feet
Knee to the pussy, kick to the skull
AK yo I shot the bitch in the temple

Pops got mad cause mom got licked
I didn’t give a fuck so I shot him in the dick

Hungry as fuck, said my grace
Pop kept screamin’ so I shot him in the face
Ate my food, found my coat
Mailman came so I cut his motherfuckin’ throat
Waitin’ for the motherfuckin’ school bus …

April Fools!!!

Super Bowl XLIV and Bestbuy

Hands up anyone who’s gonna buy a huge HDTV for the Superbowl.

And then return it?

I am fer sure. Anyone else?

Haloween Costume: Osama Bin Laden vs. The Toronto Maple Leafs

If the Toronto Maple Leafs win their game against the Vancouver Canucks on Saturday 24 October 2009, I will dress up as Osama Bin Laden for Halloween.

Yes, that is how confident I am that the Leafs will win. (Ha ha!)

The Man Rules

Props to the Man who originally made these up wrote them down for prosperity.

Please note.. These are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon OR the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. “Yes” and “No” are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball. Or golf. (Or Monster Truck Rallies.)

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

Boyfido’s birthday is today.
Congrats!

All the best.

St. Patrick’s Day 2009

Here (goes) the cold …

Another reason I wasn’t depressed out of my mind in February was because I made some plans for March. Specifically Tuesday 17 March 2009.

I was thinking of going like totally green for St. Patrick’s Day. In fact I’m going to call it the “unofficial St. Patrick’s Day Green Line Bar Hop a thon”.

To go green with me, follow the instructions below.

1. Get some green (for procuring items, services and BEvERages)

2. Wear some green (I’ll be in a green blazer, weather permitting)

3. Get a TTC daypass and look for the the green line (click for Bloor Danforth Map)

4. Drink some green (or whatever is on tap)

5. Smoke some green (I’ll let you determine how green you want to go.)

We’re going to party like it’s 2009! (Oh yeah, because it is.)

Disclaimer:

This shindig is for Toronto people only. Sorry to all my loyal readerz and fanz from all over this “green” earth that can’t attend but hopefully you can find someway to party it up too.

Oh yeah, and no colour blind people either. Not because you’re not around, or can’t experience the rainbow like normies, just because I don’t like dealing with your  deuteranopic disabilities you disabled dumbasses. (just joshing )

There are tons of reasons to enjoy St. Patrick’s day and I’m sure there is a wiki article about it somewhere hmm… (article, not fact? are you sure you want to call it that? –ed.)

But my reason is to start things new. Excellently illustrated by the one and only John Mayer.

St. Patrick ‘s Day (John Mayer)

video

lyrics

I’ll buy you a BEvERage if you can memorize the song. One of the greatest ever.

If you’ve done all steps 1-5 and are wondering what is next, here ya go …

6. Meet up at 6pm at Old Mill. Find a bar. Have a pint. Get back on subway. Travel east. Get off at next subway. Find a bar …

Do that until we get to the end of the line. If you can’t be at Old Mill at 6pm, don’t worry, someone will be twattering the play-by-play (I hope).

See you soon!

Musings: The Winner is Back

As usual, I totally like skipped over February cause it is like too depressing even though I wasn’t so bad this time around cause I like made some tentative plans for March (which I will tell you about in-a-minit) but the most important thing to let all you loyal readers and fanz know is that I’m like back!

And I’m officially a winner! Wooh!

Timmy's Best Friend

————

And like what is the deal with sparrows and squirrels during the winter? Do they like just survive off the kindness of strangers; namely Timmy Lovers Anonymous People like me (there should be a facegroup!), who like buy them timbits and croissants to munch on cause I don’t where they could like possibly get a worm when the ground is like so hard. So are there any like enviromentopologolists (sic) like out there that can like shed some lite (light sp?) on the situation.

What do they eat to live? The people (and myself) want to know.

—–

Oh yeah, and thank you for following the path to my new home on wordpress.  Goodbye super-slowness! Hello wackness!

I’m a Loser when it comes to Lunch

Just to remind everyone what a loser I am …

Every lunch for the past few weeks, I’ve had stew or soup. Everyone recommends having hot lunches so I always either bring something in my own tupperware or go down to the cafeteria for the soup of the day.
The first couple of times I did this, I ended up staining my beautful white shirt, beige shirt, grey shirt, baby blue shirt. So I learned from my mistake and started stuffing napkins down my collar. That worked for awhile until I wore a long sleeve shirt. I got sloppy again and dipped my cuff in my soup as I checked my email. My fault I guess because I like to be stylish and NOT button the cuff. (Only theater actors would understand this.)

Time for a new strategy. (Like duh)

I have my own office so I can close my door and eat in privacy. I decided to take my privacy to a new level. I took my shirt off. No need for napkins. Worked like a frickin’ charm.

But as I’m cleaning up my desk I look down at my beige pants and wonder where that big brown splotch on my leg came from. I then see a piece of meat embeded into the carpet like I stepped on it and didn’t notice.

I somehow messed up my pants, and the carpet just by taking my shirt off. But worse, I didn’t notice it.

Do I have to go back to kindergarten or should I just start wearing my Depends now and start asking passers-by what my name is and whether they have change for a Canadian dollar bill.

********************************

And U.S. Elections are on.
I’ve never publicly stated what my affiliations are but now I must.

I want Barack Obama to become the next POTUS.

I really like John McCain. I think it is really sad he might have to take one for the team for this election.

This, That and the Other Thing

1. I’m smarter than I look but I don’t act like it. Because I’m too cool for school, fool.

2. It is time I get off the internet. I heard two people at two different computing places used the term ‘The Cloud’ on the same day. Either there is a conspiracy going on or I wasn’t invited to the Philly dip commercial Party.

3. The answer is No, No, No!

4. It is also time to get off the WordPress soapbox before I unlearn everything I’ve ever been taught by real human beings.

5.
Your (Pension) need no introduction
My (Pension) don’t even function
Your (Pension) served a whole lunch-in
My (Pension) – it look like a munchkin

6. On Halloween, I’m going to dress up as the invisible man for work.
– with apologies to Mickey Avalon